TOMAHAWK London Astoria
Gig Review

You can always tell a gig is off to a good start when it's on a grey Sunday and it's in London as this wonderful combination always results in the dreaded rail works. In my usual train paranoia I phoned the train company twice and checked online before the day to make sure it would be smooth sailing…I was assured it was. Thankfully I did check once more on the Sunday morning (did I mention I have a train paranoia?) to find out that yes, there were rail works but there would still be one train an hour. Joy.

Unfortunately, due to the current circumstances, David couldn't really spend out on a train ticket to see a band he wasn't that bothered about - as a result I dragged along a visiting friend, John from the Netherlands. So the guy is into drum 'n bass but while he is under my roof he's gonna listen to good music!

With another friend, Claire, meeting us at the station we started off good and early to the Astoria. After exchanging a few text messages on the train with Dean - an online friend I'd never met before - I found out he'd been sat on the steps by the door since 4pm. My evil plan therefore was to slink into the queue with him thus annoying all others that had been there since early afternoon…and guess what, unlike my usual dastardly schemes it actually worked!

SECURITY MONKEY MEN
Then the fun began… perhaps the security guards were bored, who knows, but they decided to play shuffle the crowd. I'm not sure if you have queued at the Astoria before but you always queue down the side of the building towards Bloomsbury Square (where the little Wendy house is and where that kid fell off the railings), its just tradition or something. But today they thought they'd change things a bit.

Security "you got tickets?"
Us "yeah"
Security "I'm gonna have to ask you to join the end of the other queue"
Us wondering what they were playing at "what? We've been here ages; we're not joining the end of that queue"
The security just glared at us so we had to comply.

Thus we marched to the front of the other queue and I nudged people out of the way to get to the top of the steps - Dean and Holly however, get pushed to the end of that queue which is very unfair considering they were there before Claire, John and I - but still, we were at the front. There were a couple of girls that were just as paranoid as us and so we repeatedly asked the security if we were in the right place this time and each time we got a rather annoyed "yes!"

So after standing around for a few minutes more along came yet another security guy and tells us that if we have tickets to get to the back of the other queue. So after standing around for what feels like forever and having spent too long on a train I blew my top. I stomped my little hoof and refused to go to the back of the other queue.

Me "Look we have been here since 4 (I lied), there is no way I'm gonna move to the arse end of that queue!"
Security "Can you move into the other queue please or you won't get in"
Me "Yeah, I will move, but there is no way I'm going to go to the end!"
So standing my ground I returned to the front of the original line. I think at this point Claire and John were worried I might go green - I'm not sure why, but people don't like me when I'm angry.

Luckily spotting Dean and Holly looking rather grumpy and heading to the back of the line, I called out to them and they snuck in with a big grin. You don't mess with my friends 'Mr. Security' and I hope you enjoyed your pointless power games.

EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Well after all the joy of the games and bag searches and whatever, we went upstairs to scope out a good table. Imagine my delight to see that we were the only ones up there - I was soooo excited I span round in a circle (sad I know).

So we got a couple of beers and sat down, people-watching as the place began to fill up. It was sold out so it was bound to get packed. There was a weird ratio of way more guys to girls, but strangely enough most of the guys were sort of comic book geeks (ironic coming from me I know) and all around twenty-something. Perhaps these were the die hard Faith No More fans, who knows? But still, it was a good mix and I knew I wasn't going to get asked for ID when I went for a beer.

Back to the gig… tonight the support was Dälek, a rap outfit from New Jersey. The place filled with a weird noise, red lighting and lots of smoke. Now I was going to be really nasty about these guys (they are just a three piece outfit: Tubby tubs who raps; Golem on decks and Mr. bouncy on the notebook with all the samples) but I'm not. In actual fact the band are Dälek (mc), Oktopus (producer) and Momim (samples).

I think perhaps it was just the wrong band for the wrong crowd, plus they had the disadvantage of not having a great deal of space to move around in due to Tomahawk's setup. But then, being a three piece they are limited in that they can't move around much anyway. At one point I did think the guy on the decks was either asleep or kissing the needle because his head looked like it was resting on the vinyl and he wasn't moving all that much.

After having had a whole beer and then telling Claire off for crushing the beer rocket I needed to go to the ladies. When I got back Claire was rather confused.
- "I swear I saw the guy wanking!"
- "Um, what are you talking about Claire?"
Apparently, during their last track some guy came on, probably a technician, wearing black jeans, white T-shirt and a balaclava. During this point there were lots of smoke and strobes and he looked sorta suspicious while his played with the cables, but most importantly, his hand was moving around strangely down below. I joked and said that perhaps it was Mike Patton playing a joke before asking the people behind me and being looked at like I was a Joey.

CONFRONTATION
However, a bit of a jump in time I know, after the gig, when everyone was clearing out, we went down to check out the T-shirts and here we bumped into Dälek himself and he was so nice I ended up actually changing my mind about the band. They had been on tour with Tomahawk throughout the European Tour and were going to be playing the last night in Glasgow the following day. Being the professional interviewer I had nothing on which to record our little chat so this is all a bit hazy.

I asked him how he felt by the crowd's lack of reaction to their set. He said he wasn't really bothered because they were all into the music and just got the vibes off each other anyway. They went up there to have a good time and that's what they did.

I was curious to see if they were on tour because of the usual record label thing but no, apparently Mike Patton thinks they are cool - he was right about The Young Gods so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Then after a bit more chatting he took me over to the side and I was given a free copy of "Classical Homicide" their 12" and a 5 track EP on CD.

While we were waiting for Tomahawk to come on, the usual collection of roadies were doing their thing, but hang on, that's Mike! Mike was onstage playing with his equipment! Aren't there meant to be people that do that? Well anyway, he had this huge console in a V configuration and he was just making sure it was all working well before the gig. On our right he had his trusty Roland keyboard and on the left a mixture of who-knows-what weird effects. Oh, and I must mention that Mike was looking good with his hair slicked back.

After watching him leave the stage we were distracted by the theft of the beer rocket, but then who cares, Tomahawk were onstage! Mike came on dressed as a policeman and the rest kind of looked a lot like park rangers. Ooh and Mike even had a truncheon!

TOMAHAWK
First a word about the band, Tomahawk was founded by Duane Denison (guitar and ex Jesus Lizard) and Mike Patton (vocals and weirdness, ex Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Fantômas, Peeping Tom and various others) in early 2000. With John Stanier A.K.A. DJ Big Bad John (drums, ex Helmet) and Kevin Rutmanis of The Melvins the line-up is complete.

But back to the fun…Mike puts on some weird gas mask, which produced this amazing distortion to his voice. Now I'm not going to run through exactly what their set list was because if you haven't heard the album then you wouldn't be familiar with their twisted sounds. All you need to know is that if you blended Jesus Lizard, Mr Bungle, The Melvins and Helmet together you get Tomahawk.

As I mentioned, Mike was stood centre stage behind a V of equipment. All the while he sings into the two microphones or his gas mask he is fiddling with all sorts of controls making the most amazing sounds, oh and I think I saw him play with a Theremin. Anyone familiar with a live performance from Mike will know how he moves, a mixture of crouching and various tortured expressions. All the while the remaining band members remain static as the lights move over them.

You can feel the sound wash over you as you get drawn into their amazing set. To begin with there is no talking, just music and very little movement. Sometimes Mike barely moves but just pelts out the most amazing noises while occasionally the G.A.Y. (the Astoria hosts regular gay club nights - Ed) sign lights up.

Then he speaks: "How's the weather London?!"
Everyone: "Yeeeeeah!"
Not much of a response I know but I don't think he was after "hmmm well it's quite clement for this time of year and the daffodils are almost all out."
There was some more chat before everyone was offered "Shots of urine at the Flamingo Bar one me!"
To which everyone turned round to stare at the upper bar as the sign flashed - not sure if anyone took up the offer, I didn't anyway.

Apparently before the gig, there was some trouble with Mike getting into the venue. I found out on the way home that he had been told to go round to the side door to get in but one of the bouncers gave him hassle and ripped off his pass. Luckily some fans going into the venue told the sound guys who let him in. After that Mike had it in for the security.

Noticing one of the security staff was watching the show Mike shouted "You eyeballing me, Boy?" before getting out his truncheon and beating the security guy over the head and proceeding to play 'Flashback' while the crowd bounced for all it was worth.

After some more great tunes Mike then puts on a PVC glove and rambles on about T-bagging. He then triumphantly holds his finger in the air before fingering the big bald security guy's ass. From where I was sitting I couldn't quite make out if it was real but the security guard didn't look that bothered. I found out from Dean later that it was just some harmless spanking.

GOLDEN RAIN
By the end of the show we thought we had seen everything, but no…For the final encore, Mike runs around on stage, dick in hand and spraying something quite wet onto the security guards and some of the crowd. We couldn't believe it, he pissed on security! At first I thought it was something else because of the motion, but it wasn't.

It was an amazing show, the music and performance was great and I'll be giggling to myself for weeks. Hopefully they will stay together long enough for another tour though I doubt it will be at the Astoria.

Oh, and I would just like to mention that I had probably the most entertaining train ride home with some guys that had been to the gig. The strangest bunch of friends: two Scots, one Welshman, an Australian (who had a rather cool Jay and Silent Bob tattoo on each of his forearms) and a Brit. They were all huge Mike Patton and Faith No More fans and if it wasn't for those guys telling the sound guys Mike might not have got into the venue and there would have been no show.

jodi fitzalan

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