THE PERFECT STORM
Film review

Films that are 'based on a true story' have never really appealed to our generation or Saturday night moviegoers. They have always carried a certain air that only seems to appeal to mothers on a rainy Sunday afternoon; tales of a poor housewife who adopts a blind, disabled Korean diabetic, loses her home, loses her money and her dignity; but ultimately triumphs in the end because she wins the town lettuce growing competition. Stuff like that.

Lately though, true stories have become more popular in cinema, perhaps because the writers are running out of ideas? Who knows, the fact is that misery makes money, especially other peoples misery. But just when we think the slew of Hollywood disaster movies has come to an end, Dreamworks pull the last dead kitten out of the sack with The Perfect Storm.

I never really wanted to see this film in the cinema; I can clearly remember cringing at the trailer thinking it looked like one of the shallowest stories I would ever see. However, people raved about how great the special effects were, and at times how good the movie was, so, desperately bored one Sunday evening I decided to rent out the DVD. I guess I should have learned by now, but it's finally sunk in that great special effects do not make great movies!

The film is all about 'the mother of all storms', which hit the east American fishing village of Gloucester in 1991. This storm was a monster, bringing tidal waves, tsunamis, hurricanes and all kinds of crazy stuff that destroyed houses and people. Well if they will insist on still making houses out of wood what did they expect?

Anyway, this little hick town is largely dependant on the sword fishing industry, which becomes plainly obvious at the beginning of the film where we are introduced to the main characters. Now I can't remember their names, but to makes things easier its George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg (who I don't care if he makes real movies now, I will always refer to as Marky Mark), John C. Reilly (Chest Rockwell in 'Boogie Nights') and a few others who don't really matter.

So these guys come back from a long fishing trip out in the Atlantic and pickings have been slim. Because of this lack of fish the guys don't get much money, now maybe this part was real, or they made it up to try and squeeze a story in there somewhere, but we are shown that Marky Mark really needs more money because his girlfriend needs a divorce from her husband and they need a house etc. but he's promised her he's not going out again because it's a little dangerous.

So George is fuming at the money he's got, and the lack of fish he's caught. He's obviously a bit of an old sea dog who isn't used to this kind of treatment, especially from the fish. So he plans another trip in two days. Then we get arguments, then making up and eventually all the other guys agree to come along.

Ok, this is more like it. We want to see these guys on the sea; the story has been set and now time for some action. At first things are pretty calm, beautiful sunsets, bright sunny days out on the ocean, Marky Mark thinking about his girlfriend and how happy they are together…you can almost smell the tragedy that will follow can't you?

After a few days bobbing around, George finally informs the crew it's time to fish. Now this is where my eyes were opened to a whole new world, they start going nuts! There are cheers and whoops and high fives…then the rock n' roll is slapped on the stereo. They're fishing for Christ's sake!

Anyway, their enthusiasm is quashed when they only manage to haul a couple of swordfish, and oddly enough one shark. Which you'd think is pretty cool, but to my amazement they chuck the bugger back into the sea. I mean, they're going to head back pretty much empty handed here, so the head guy at the fishing place is going to be a little annoyed; but topping off the bad news with "so there weren't many swordfish…but we found this cool shark!" would have been a flawless plan, surely? At least the thing took a chunk out of Marky Mark's leg before they shot it. That's right, they had to shoot the bastard…in the head! Like I said, cool shark!

Anyway, things stay bad. John C. Reilly nearly dies etc. so George decides to head out further. There they find some lost swordfish nest/breeding ground, where they can't stop laughing due to the amount they're catching. Disaster strikes soon though and the ice-machine (which they're dependent on to keep the fish fresh) breaks down. They want to head back, but by now they've learned about the storm so they're left with two options. Wait where they are for the storm to blow over, resulting rotting fish and no money, or head back and face certain death, but fish stay fresh and they get some money. You'd think it was a pretty easy decision, but of course they choose certain death.

So they head back to face the storm, and for the next hour you basically witness lots of people thrashing about in water. I lost interest several times and found myself staring at my fridge. Regaining my senses I looked at the TV once more and the same stuff was going on, I didn't miss a thing.

So they head back, George is having fun in his storm but the guys are getting worried, then they hit the monster and things start to get worrying. They turn the boat around and try to escape, but no chance, George, you signed up for this movie you're in it till the end pal.

Now up till this point, I honestly thought they were going to make it, especially when the sea suddenly becomes calm, sunlight pours through the portholes and Marky Mark tells George that they're going to make it. George is doubtful though. Then as soon as the music kicks in the sea becomes all stormy again, then we get that monster wave that's on the cover, with George trying to climb the boat up it, apparently thinking that screaming "Come on you bitch!" is going to help matters.

Of course is doesn't, and the boat is capsized. Disaster! However, Marky Mark and George manage to escape, but hang on, what's George doing? He slips back inside the sinking wreck to die! What an idiot; I don't know, captains eh? So anyway, the boat sinks but Marky Mark makes it out alive and is left bobbing in this stormy sea.

But then it zooms out and fades to black and all the bastards die! I couldn't believe it; I thought at least one of them should live. I know it's a true story, but when has that ever got in the way of Hollywood making a movie?

So all in all the film was a big disappointment. It started off well showing this small town life, and the characters were interesting, but come on, they didn't have to kill them all.

Now the effects were good, but it didn't make the movie. Ok so ILM did the effects and they're obviously going to be excellent, but it's like your mate inviting you round to check out his new house, and you get there and it's an actual shed, and he's like "but check out the ceiling…Michelangelo painted it", ok mate, the ceiling's nice, but it's still a shed you idiot.

So there you go. At least I can feel satisfied that I didn't go to the cinema to see this because I doubt there would have been any fridges there to attract my attention.

david twomey

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