GOLDEN AXE A Walkthrough
em Retro

I ended up taking a good few screenshots for the Golden Axe review. There were so many that I wanted to use but obviously there wasn't enough room for them all, so I figured I'd write this short piece to accompany the screens. It's essentially just a walkthrough of the game, which will no doubt deplete my webspace nicely.

Here is the title screen for the game. The title would flash all sorts of crazy colours making it alluring for the majority of people, but deadly for epileptics. Also, the blood splat made a convenient place to squash a fly.

"Winners don't use drugs" according to the FBI. Obviously Mr. Sessions has forgotten Ben Johnson. Also, maybe games players winners don't take drugs, but the game creators certainly do. How else do they explain Pooyan? For some reason, this screen used to appear on virtually every arcade machine in the late 80s.

This is where the heroes live. It's something like the Rainbow house only more terrifying. It costs £625 a month and has Economy 7 heating, which Gilius the Dwarf wasn't too keen on at the start.

This is the start of the adventure. You come across this Alex guy, who you have to admit is in pretty bad shape. Obviously Tyris, being a girl, is concerned about what has happened.

Ahh, now we see the problem, the king and princess have been taken by Death=Adder!. Not that this explains why Alex is in such a state. Maybe he just has a nosebleed and bad stomach and just wants to get to a hospital, but no, Tyris decides to stop him for a polite chat instead.

Tyris wants more info, but Alex doesn't seem to be paying any attention to anything other than Tyris' boobs. Maybe she shouldn't have worn that bikini outdoors after all.

I haven't shown it here, but this son of a bitch comes along and clubs Alex to death before he can ask Tyris out, he'd just plucked up the courage too. Tyris isn't going to stand for that nonsense and gets ready to smack the guy upside the head.

The Village People reject is about to clobber Tyris when she suddenly gets a severe case of gastroenteritis. Oh the pain!

He just can't bring himself to clobber her, especially when it's got so bad that she's doubled over on her knees in writhing agony. He may be an evil bastard, but he's got a heart and can't bear to see a lady in trouble.

But what's this; a cunning ruse by our Tyris! Ho! Ho! She had him fooled didn't she, the sneak! I don't know whether this guy is reeling from the pain, or just exclaiming "Gah!" as he realises that he's fallen for her cruel prank. Just when you start caring for someone they slice your chest open with a sword.

These little critters turn up from time to time to get a good kicking in exchange for magical vases. You'd think after one good kick they'd get the idea, but mostly they stick around for two maybe three kicks. I personally think it's an S&M thing, I heard they had to change the code at the last minute to remove the pixies speech bubble of "Come on! Kick me, bitch!". You can't see from this angle, but on the other side of that sack it says "SWAG".

Soon you find that the land is filled with magical creatures that can be ridden and used to your advantage. This is the first creature you encounter, a particularly savage looking beast which looks as though it needs to be handled carefully to earn it's respect.

Tyris has other ideas and decides that strangling the beast is the quickest path to companionship.

See, the creature has now defected to Death=Adders minions of evil. Not only have you got that vicious little bugger to deal with, but these two heavyweights too, which are the end of level 1 baddies. Incidentally, those spiky shoulder pads make napping on trains near lethal.

Here we can see that Tyris has gained control of another terrifying creature, but look at the sick bastard in the background. Either he's about to kick that woman, or he's caught some venereal disease from the woman to his left, and he's showing this peasant his scabby cock.

Tyris can't stand such atrocity and summons up what is either a small volcano or a Technicolor clitoris. Either way, cock guy doesn't want to get any mess on his new shoes.

This map pops up after each level, just so you know where the hell you're going. Not that I can understand why they trust something that fills itself in as they go along. Not traditionally what people tend to go for in a map.

Check this guy out, he's pretty scary when he comes out of the door, but that fear soon vanishes as you realise he can only manage to sort of amble around the screen.

He thinks he's pretty hard with that sword, but my magical fire-breathing dragon's head will soon quash his cockiness. The magical fire melts the bugger inside his suit and Tyris can go about her business.

This strangely feathery level sees a load of dead guys and skeletons rise from the ground to attack you with clumps of candyfloss.

The pop up map reveals that you were in fact riding a giant eagle. Would never have guessed from all the feathers would you. Look at his beady eye checking out Tyris' ass.

These two clones of the previous huge knight are blocking the way into Death=Adders castle. Tyris tries to fight, but ends up collapsing with laughter at their big pink suits. Even the dragon has had to leave for fear of wetting himself.

So you're in the palace and there's the chief dead guy in the background…er, dead. Cool, game over you think, but look again, what are those worms up to, or could they be…adders?

Gah! Those snakes have brought him to life! And everyone is wearing pink! The bald guy in front thinks that Tyris' boots are simply gorgeous and MUST have a pair.

Ha! He may have brought himself back to life, but I'll bring him back to, erm…death with my magical fire-breathing dragon head!

But it seems Death=Adder fancies Tyris and takes his anger out on the skeleton who thought he was getting on rather well with our heroin.

Tyris hasn't got time for either of these jokers and solves the awkward situation by killing everyone.

So there they are, the two sorry sons of bitches you've travelled so far and fought so hard to rescue. I'm sure if Tyris had known they wouldn't even say thank-you she would have taken this moment to beat them both like piñatas.

david twomey

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